Memoires of a Queen
by Ravenhowe65
Summary: "To get to the heart of the story, you have to go back to the beginning." I was not a princess born to great kings but a mere lawyer's daughter. Today, I am Queen but to judge me you have to know my story first.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own 'The Tudors' or anything related to them.

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><p><strong>Whitehall Palace, 1530<strong>

The wind blew againt the girl's flushed face as she ran hastily, evading the larger bodies of attendants and courtiers as she weaved her way through the royal court. She had to get to her papa, there was some grave news to tell and urgent things to do. But the man guarding the Privy office would not let her in, not even when she gave the man her full name. "Please, sir. I have to talk to papa." the fifteen year old insisted.

Shaking his burly head, the guard stayed put, his spear menacingly clutched in his fists. Alice cursed her twin brother Greg, if he had come the guards would let him in for he was a boy and she was just a silly girl to them. "The King is in council." was all the guard said and turned away but his spear still glinted threatiningly in front of her.

Then an idea struck the girl. Her eyes went wide as if in astonishment and she gasped, "The Queen!" she exclaimed pointing at the empty corridor. The trick worked as bothe the guards lost focus and the girl pushed past them and into the room.

Alice Cromwell would have giggled at her own ingenious had she not felt the eyes staring at her. Men in dark robes sat around in a large table, gold chains hung around their neck and most glared at her while a few gave her a pitying look. Immediately she forze on her steps and realized how simple she had dressed today compared to the expensive fabrics and intricate furs these men wore.

"Who is this _girl_?" a harsh voice made her furious. Yes, she was a girl but the man had spat it like being female was a curse, as if she were the biggest burden on earth. She was about to retort about men's fickle nature when she really saw who it was. 'Why is it always me?' Alice quizzed in her mind.

"Forgive me, your majesty for the rather rude interruption from this young woman." she heard her papa's voice from the end of the table, near where the king sat. The chastising glare that Thomas Cromwell gave his daughter assured that there would be a long talk when they got home that night. "She is but a foolish child who has forgotten the civil propriety that her mother and I had tried to teach her." seeing her papa bow his head in shame sparked guilt and hurt inside Alice. Her father never bowed down to anyone.

"Hmm. Am I right to believe that this is your daughter, Master Cromwell?" Henry Tudor asked uninterestedly. At his newly appointed counsellor's nod, Henry thought of the young girl in front of him again. 'T'is only a honest mistake from a child.' he negated with his conscious. "There must be a valid reason for interrupting such an important meeting."

Remembering the reason she was here, Alice looked pleading at her father. "It's Nana Mercy. A messenger arrived from Hartford not an hour ago, she asks for my presence." she relayed her news and noted that many men in the room looked at her, shocked.

"Then I shall send for my pageboy to fetch a litter." Alice's brows crinkled in confusion when the king said that, she was sure he would be angry with her. From the corner of her eye she saw two men share a wary look, the Boleyns, Alice recognized them from the last Christmas feast she had been dragged to by her father. "Now, Mistress Cromwell, if that's all you are dismissed." King Henry waved lazily and sat on his cushioned chair, his mind already focused on how to covet an annulment from Rome.

Alice curtsied deeply, "Your majesty." she murmured before walking out of the chamber, avoiding eye contact with her father. When she had reached the litter that the King had arranged for her, Alice thought of the foolish act she had committed. 'Why couldn't I have just waited for father to come out of the room?' she repeated the same question over and over again as they rode to Hartford for her aunt's house.

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><p><strong>Cromwell House, November 1531<strong>

The house was in chaos when Alice came from the markets, her maid Rebecca, an older woman with a kind face, told her that there was to be a feast for her birthday. She knew the celebration was not for her and for the welcoming of her elder brother but she put a smile and went to her room to get ready. If this had been a few years ago, Alice would be in the kitchen with her mother helping her to prepare the meal while her little sisters, Annie and Grace, would be pulling at each other's hair or playing with their dolls. She felt tears brim in her blue eyes and wiped it before it could topple over. Losing her mother and sisters to sweat had been too hard for Alice to cope for the first year but eventually life moved on and the hurt and pain subsided.

That night she smiled through dinner as her father and brother discussed texts, only contributing when the two men seemed to notice she was with them. Her father had taught all her children well, even the girls. The most brightest of his pupils had always been Alice but unlike Greg, there was no university that accepted women in England and her father did not deem it necessary for her to have a private tutor which resulted in her stunted education. She had her father's gift for language, having adapted Italian, French, Latin, Spanish and German since childhood. Greg said it was enough that she knew so much, what else could a woman learn and to what end?

"They say the King wishes to divorce the good Queen Katharine and take that Boleyn whore as wife." Greg pretended to not notice the sudden stiffness in their father's body as he continued, "It is not for simple men like us to meddle in their business, that's what I said to Richard." my poor twin brother tried to brush the comment off but father had a strange glint in his eyes.

"You should also tell you simple-minded cousin that those are dangerous words and to not repeat them again. As for naming Lady Anne Boleyn a whore, would you like it if it had been Alice in her place? The only crime Lady Anne had committed is that she caught the King's eye when things were... changing." Thomas' tone was somewhat sympathetic as he defended the Lady Boleyn. "Now that we are on this matter, I should inform you that the King has created me Lord Chancellor since the position had been vacated not a while ago." Alice brightened immediately.

"That is great news, papa." she enthused and smiled along her twin.

"That's not all, I have also managed to secure a position in the Princess Mary's household for you Alice. You shall be her companion in Ludlow Castle." Alice felt like her father had just slapped her. She knew that she would soon be given away to either the Queen or the Duchess of Suffolk but Princess Mary? She was sure the other girl would not like her at all.

"Papa, I don't think-" her protest was cut short as Thomas spoke over her.

"Alice, I have already given my word to the king, I cannot take it back, dear." he said, almost regrettingly. Alice knew her father would do anything in his power to keep her away from politics like he had done for Greg until now. The King must have insisted on it for her father to not be able to refuse but why did the king want her as a companion to his daughter? She was not a lady born to nobility nor did she possess any great fortune other than her gift for language. The only encounter she had with the King had not been a good one either for him to ask for her services.

"But why me?" she could not stop herself from asking.

"You are closer to the princess' age and he knows of your gift with language. The princess' tutor will also welcome your input in teaching her highness Italian and some German, instead he will teach you Greek." there was a notable spark to Alice's eyes when Thomas said that. In the end she reluctantly agreed, if not for the chance of learning a new language, she would not have agreed so soon.

"Good, you have until New Year to prepare everything." her father planted a soft kiss on her forehead before he left for her to catch up wwith her older twin. Gregory knew it would not be wise to covet out infromation from his sister right now. She needed time to think for herself so he instead inquired after what news London had to offer. The two siblings jested and argued fiercely until their old nurse Rebecca came to usher them to bed.

"I have missed you, brother." Alice told her best friend and only family after her father. Her brother smiled sadly at her before leaving her to her own devices.

All night the female Cromwell thought of her future. Was her father trying to rid of her? Or did the King really did insist on her appointment? How would Alice befriend the Princess Mary given her lowly status as a lawyer's daughter? Even if her father was rising, he was not popular with the present Queen and her daughter for the work he did in Anne Boleyn's favour. 'This should be interesting.' she thought as her eyelids drooped in sleep. 'Sleep well.' she told herself and dreamed peacefully.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own 'The Tudors'. just Alice and baby Katherine

Alice Cromwell, Queen of England - 17th November 1514

Henry Tudor, King of England - 28th June 1498

Mary Tudor, Duchess of Bedford - 18th February 1516

Elizabeth Tudor - 7th September 1533

Edward Tudor, Prince of Wales - 10th October 1537

Thomas Cromwell, Earl of Essex - 11th October 1484

Gregory Cromwell, Baron Cromwell of Wimbledon - 17th November 1514

Philip of Palatine, Duke of Bedford - 12th November 1503

Elizabeth Cromwell - 4th August 1513

Anne Wittelsbach of Bedford - 1st January 1540

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><p><strong>Present day, 1st November 1540<strong>

The lady laughed at a joke her husband told her, her light hair that flowed down her waist shined clearly as she leaned into his shoulder. Her eyes roved over his pale skin which had some signs of aging in it, his smile was of someone in awe, his eyes dulled with an unknown emotion. The woman found herself clutching her bump that was clearly filled with life. Concern and worry filled the man as he guided her to her bed from the window seat.

He went to call for a midwife, who was staying outside to give the couple their time, but was stopped by a soft hand. "Don't leave me, Henry." she gasped through her pain, her eyes already starting to fill with unspilled tears. "You said you'd never leave."

Henry froze at those words, guilt wrenching through his guts. "I'm here, Alice. I'm here." he whispered to his wife and stayed beside her. One of her ladies cautiously entered the room, not wanting to disturb the couple, Henry let a relieved sigh. "Call the midwives, the Queen's in labour." he shouted his voice harsher than he had intended. The young woman, Catherine Howard her name was, recoiled at his sharp tone and dumbly nodded her head, too afraid to speak out loud in front of the feared king.

When the girl was gone, Henry brushed away the stray hair from his wife's face. Her breath was laboured and she shifted to have more space to move. "Don't leave me." she reminded Henry of the promise he had once broken, the guilt from so many years ago creeping back again.

"I promised you, didn't I? I will be here for you, protocal be damned." he brought her closer to him. His Alice, so broken and scared. The blazing fire in her eyes dampened by the events from years before. A sudden hate rose for the people responsible for her state, people Henry did not want to remember or acknowledge. The midwives soon ushered into the room but the man refused to budge from his place, he would not break his promise again.

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><p>Alice could feel her lover's hands clutching her's tightly. She did not know who was more scared about the whole ordeal, her or Henry.<p>

"Breathe, your majesty. You need to get as much strength as possible." she heard a voice say, it sounded very familiar but she couldn't register who the woman was, her mind was a mess.

_"...he loves none but power. He is not good for you." a voice said._

_Suddenly the scene changed to a dark room that smelled of rot and death. "Looks like our little witch is awake." a hand met her cheeks hard shocking her awake from her half-asleep trance. "Oh, sorry, my lady. I did not mean to do that. My hand must have slipped." the wicked figure then pulled her hair roughly and brought her face to face to the woman. She was an important lady but the tortured mind of Alice did not recognize her. "Perhaps we should play a game, little Alice. I promise it will be fun."she said honestly before her face scrunched into the same ugly scowl, "Well, for me at least." she giggled and a fist met Alice's flat stomach, knocking the air out of her._

"Alice! Alice! Wake up!" someone was shaking her. Opening her dull eyes she found Henry staring widely at her. She started crying again, 'it's a dream, just a dream. Bad, scary, very real looking dream, but a dream nonetheless'. she kept telling herself as she breathed deeply. She felt like this was not the first time she was having a child, like she was supposed to remember something but her head hurt as well as her body.

"It will take a few hours, sister but you have to keep going." Alice remembered who the woman was now.

"Elizabeth." she smiled at her sister-in-law as she panted deeply. "You, I remember you." the younger woman said, making Elizabeth smile in return. It had taken many months for Alice to remember her own father and then another few to recognize her brother, her twin. Elizabeth was happy and somewhat ashamed that her sister had not forgotten one of her culprits yet. "We used to write together." the older woman nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"It's all very touching, your majesty. But we have a child to bring to this world." Alice found herself smiling at her old friend and step-daughter, the same could not be said about the King who scowled deeply at his eldest daughter.

"She is the Queen, you will respect her or-" he was cut off by a painful hiss from his wife.

"It hurts." she said and try roll over the big lump would not allow her to. "Take it out of me, now!" she finally lost her calm, which made Henry backaway in shock. He had never seen his wife so angry before or hurt, was bringing a child so hard? "Yes, it is so painful, Henry Tudor, that I swear if you do not get this thing out of me soon enough, you will never touch me again! Ever!" his wife barked at him, he cursed at her uncanny ability to read his mind.

"I'm here, Alice. Calm down, love." in a flash a pillow smashed into his unsuspecting face.

_"Get out!"_ his wife's shrill voice ordered him. "Get out! It's your fault! You did this to me! I should have listened to papa. This would not have happened if you had left me alone! Get away from my sight!" his wife's rant was amusing at first but as he continued the hidden meaning under her venomous words stung Henry hard. Was that what Alice truly thought of him?

"Father." Mary pleaded to him. "You should stay outside, you're only upseting her." Henry nodded and looked back to his wife. He was breaking his promise but right now Alice needed to be away from him and it was his wife that mattered the most, not him or the anger that was starting to bubble up inside him.

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><p>The door closed behind him. The King walked to the cushioned chair and sat, his mind was conflicted. At one side he was guilty for causing Alice pain, but on the other hand, he was the King of England, he deserved respect from every subject, even his Queen. When Alice shouted at him, he felt like a small child again, he didn't like that feeling, he had real memories to make him feel useless and worthless. It looked like the angry side of his mind was winning and the reasonable part losing.<p>

"Papa!" small, light footsteps tottered from the doorway. A boy with curly dark hair, much like his own, rushed to him, his arms already wrapped around Henry's neck before he could blink. He took in his son's sweet smell, much like his mother's and brought him to his lap, kissing his baby's cheeks as he did so. His long waited heir was the most precious gem in the world for Henry. "Papa, I came to see my new sister. Lizzy says she'll be a girl and I want a sister too." his smile was heart melting, just like his mother's. "Lizzy! Come papa won't shout." Henry felt a pang in his chest when his little son said that to his younger daughter.

From the doorway, a shy little girl of seven entered the room, her red hair glinting even in the dark and her blue eyes had the same questioning look, Henry noticed, that she usually gave him. As if asking a permission to be held, or to be spoken to. As much as he wanted her to lose that shyness and barrier she built around him, he did not have the courage to look at Anne Boleyn's daughter and tell her how much he loved her or how he hated her shyness around him. He was a coward.

"So, you want a little sister, Edward?" he changed the subject, he saw Elizabeth's face fall and he regretted the act immediately. "Have you thought of a name?" he continued but kept an eye on his daughter.

Edward seemed to be in his thoughts. "No, I haven't." the three year old pouted which made Henry smile. "But Lizzy said Kaferine was a good name. Like Kat, Lizzy's lady."

All the colour in Henry's face drained and he turned his face away from his children. Edward looked back to his older sister who had a struck look, he did not know what he had said wrong. His papa had asked a question and he answered it honestly. And besides he liked the name Katherine.

Just then Mary, their eldest sister came from the other chamber. "She's beautiful." was all she said to make Edward squeal in triumph and share a knowing smile with his sister, Lizzy.

"Baby Kaferine." Edward got off his father's lap and joined Lizzy talking about what he would do for his youngest sister when she grew older. The two children were oblivious to the other two people in the room.

Mary stood their stiff as if she had just seen a ghost while Henry sat uneasy about the whole thing. He was delighted that he had a daughter with Alice but another boy would have ensured... he never got to complete his thoughts, Thomas Cromwell and Gregory Cromwell decided to enter the room on that time, Philip followed just behind them, a sleeping Anne in his arms.

It looked like Mary had forgotten about the 'Kaferine' slip already as she made her way to her husband and daughter. Leaving Henry to deal with an angry father-in-law and untrusting brother-in-law. "It's a girl, Katherine, Edward named her." Henry explained to the newcomers. He saw his former Lord Chancellor pale slightly then nodded respectfully to his king.

"How's the Queen?" Thomas inquired after his only daughter. He could not bare to lose her after getting her back from that incident years ago.

It was Mary who answered the man, she still detested him for what he did to her mother and her but their was a silent agreement between the two to respect each other for Alice's sake. "She's sleeping, the birth was quick but it was tiring for her nonetheless. She said something that worries me." she looked at her father. " She said 'I want to see my baby.' but when I handed her Katherine-" Mary paused, everyone knew why, "she shook her head and asked for Thomas instead."

Henry stiffened in his seat. "Do you think-"

"Yes." Mary cut in.

The room went silent for a while and it was Edward who spoke first. "But papa, the Queen has no other baby." his words made Henry flinch. He asked forgiveness to God for what he had done, like he had done so many times before.

"Lady Ashley, I think it's time for the children to go to bed." Mary carried Lizzy easily as if she weighed nothing. "Come Edward, time to go." Lady Ashley offered the prince to carry him but he shook his head and reached for her hand instead, earning amused looks from most of the people present in the room.

"I'll take Anne to our rooms too." Philip planted a chaste kiss on Mary's head before they parted their ways.

"Should we tell her?" it was Gregory who spoke.

"No, it's for her own good." the King answered, Thomas reluctantly nodded and the subject was never discussed again.

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><p>I know it's really confusing right now, but you will know what happened to our Alice and what happened to Thomas, who is he. All will be explained soon...<p>

And yeah, Henry still the man who desires a son more than love...

x


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